Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
