I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
