did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
