i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
