I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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