Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
