the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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