As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
