the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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