I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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