He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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