Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
