Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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