just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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