i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
