you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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