I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
