well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
