I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
They are going to name an STD after you.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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