Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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