so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
