i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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