Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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