Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
