I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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