He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
