He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
