I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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