Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
