Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
