apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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