there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
