You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
