awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
