im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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