Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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