Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
