guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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