Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
