I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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