No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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