I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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