Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
