Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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