god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
