you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
there is glitter all over my balls
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
