Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
