i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
