she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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