Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
