Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
